Uncertainty.
Eugene is a week away, and I am surrounded by the finality of this one great, decisive action. This journey I am about to embark on.
I do not know what this holds for me.
I have never been prone to anxiety, that was always Julia. But this step (forward, backwards, I really don’t know) is turning my intestines into knotted bowties. Everything is moving so fast, and I just don’t know what feelings are supposed to arise in a situation like this. Fear? Definitely. Reluctance? Of course. Excitement? Yes.
For months now I have anticipated this move, while still pushing the thought of it to the back of my mind. I don’t think it’s my inability to deal with change, I have never possessed that quality, but my uncertainty about what will happen to once everything is done, and I can’t go back.
I don’t ever think I can.
They say you can never go back home, right? What about when you feel like you have never had a home? I’m afraid that I will expect Eugene to be home when I get there, my place, where I belong. But so many of the parts will be missing. All of my friends and family are like dots on a scatterplot, spread out, I can never have them in my grasp all at once.
I’ve always thought it would be wonderful to exist on an imaginary plane that isn’t really anywhere, and all of your loved ones were close and distance did not exist. Where the happiest moments of your life coincide, and nothing would have to change. I deeply suspect this is what Heaven is, disregard the clouds and St.Peter.
